BENGHAZI

I had waited nearly 16 hours after the attacks had ended for any word of Mark – where he was, what had happened to him, was he safe. I was distraught and confused. When the phone call finally came from 5000 miles away, it was 5 p.m. MDT, on Wednesday the 12th. The voice on the other end of the line informed me that Mark had been medivacked out of Libya and taken to Landstuhl, Germany. Although I did not know that he was critically wounded, my focus was on one fact: My husband was alive! I felt like I was finally able to breathe.

I was told that he would call me as soon as he was settled, which gave me something to hold onto. The hardest part, as it is for all those who have had similar experiences, was not knowing. My mind was all over the place with possible scenarios. But then the phone rang again, and I heard my husband’s precious voice, now raspy from the exhausting firefight, the surgeries, and anesthesia. As casually as though he was calling from the office, he said, “Hi, honey.” He offered few details about his arm, telling me that he had “broken” it so I did not know how badly he was injured. He did not want to worry me and as men are often wont to do, he downplayed his injuries. My thought was, “Oh good, that’s no big deal.” The rest of the conversation was like being in a dream, but after hearing his voice, I knew that my beloved husband was alive and safe.

He was flown back and taken to Walter Reed Medical Center where I and our two daughters arranged to meet him. When the staff asked if we were prepared to see how severely injured he was, I wasn’t sure what they meant by that question. When I walked into the room, it was a jarring sight to see my husband who had been healthy, strong, and full of vitality when he left for Benghazi now lying in a hospital bed attached to tubes and machines. It only took a few minutes to process it and then I hugged him and crawled into the hospital bed to hold him even though it seemed surreal. He had shrapnel wounds to his neck and left arm, and even after undergoing 14 surgeries, he still had significant nerve damage and would not regain full use of his left hand. He would have life-long chronic pain. But I knew we could cope with whatever lay ahead.

We knew there would be challenges and one was very personal for Mark. He is a fiercely independent man and has always been accustomed to doing things on his own terms. Also, he was the guy who helped other people and was physically able to do just about anything they needed done. You can imagine what a hill this was for him to climb along the road to recovery. It was long and difficult, as he struggled with having to give in to the assistance that he needed. Just dressing himself and buttoning a shirt was beyond his ability for a while. In his words, this time of recuperating “was Hell.”

Another unexpected challenge was accepting the fact that so many people in our community had no idea what Mark had just gone through. After returning home to Colorado in October 2012, broken and wounded, most people did not know that one of their own had been involved in and horribly affected by events a world away. To complicate matters, we were bound by a nondisclosure agreement with the CIA, so we couldn’t talk about it. We were told not to tell anybody or mention Mark’s part in Benghazi to anyone. So, when the community had no reaction and seemed oblivious to what was going on in the world, it was difficult for Mark, as we could not tell the real story.

For those who have served in combat for years and then return home to resume their normal, everyday lives, it can be a difficult, daunting challenge. And if the warrior returns home physically and psychologically wounded, it is that much harder to deal with. Mark struggled for a while as he adjusted to the reality that not everyone was going to be aware of his personal situation -- where he had been and what horrific events he had witnessed and been part of in Benghazi. The answer, of course, was counseling but were shocked to find ourselves encountering red tape from the CIA, as the agency was concerned that Mark only confided in “cleared personnel. Emotions were running high with both of us at this time in a long and painful process. We swung in mood from being angry to distraught and then to frustrated and worn down. My teen-aged daughter came to me and said “Mom, I need to talk to someone”. At my breaking point, I told our Agency contact, “I just can’t do this anymore. I need help, and they need to do something.” The response was a placating statement, “We’ll have someone there tomorrow.” But, of course, no one ever showed up.

All this time we were also dealing with a severe change in our financial situation. Mark had been an independent contractor, but was now unable to work, resulting in our income being cut 75%. To add to this burden, the contract was not “paid out.” Mark tried to find new employment but with his injuries, the work he was accustomed to doing was out of the question.

As trying as it was financially and emotionally, I always felt hopeful that somehow, we would manage. I have a strong belief that if God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it and that helped carry me through those troubled times. And, yes, there were days that I felt let down, alone, abandoned, and I worried about Mark a lot, but I never doubted that we would overcome these challenges. To me, it was never a question of “Do I give up?” or “Can I deal with this?” I simply focused on working to get us through this time, understanding that Mark needed me more than anything right then, so I needed to be strong and be there for him. We were a team committed more than ever to each other as we faced each day and each new challenge together.

Since then, we have founded the Shadow Warriors Project, dedicated to serving other private security contractors and their families. We help to navigate the “red-tape”, provide financial assistance as well as assistance with medical needs both seen and unseen. We have a k9 therapy program, which brings veterans and contractors together as like-minded individuals to be put through multiple training scenarios with a k9, sharing their life story and potentially being considered for a service k9 of their own. We have also just recently added a caregiver program for those who so strongly stand by their warriors. It is a retreat that helps educate the caregiver on the struggles their warriors face, provide a network of others on similar journeys and allow them to focus on healing their own wounds and be loved on as they so greatly need through a series of seminars and fun and exciting activities.